I even got Santa on my side...

So I took my Landon Bear along with a photo of Landon to the mall, and I got a pic with Santa...



Santa was saddened by Landon's story. He asked my first and last name and he said he'll be praying for us. I was touched.

Then I started thinking, I have a lot of random people praying for us, and God keeps on saying no... well, how can God say no now, I even got Santa on my side...

How can I know?

Ever come to a realization that you are probably not doing as well as you think you are? I think I have.

I used to be a very stable person. I used to be a very smart and rational person. I feel guilty when I do things even a little wrong, so I try hard to always do the right thing. I used to be a very logical person.

Is that the person who died? Part of me is gone forever, I know that. I can never be the same person I was before Landon died, it's just not possible.

I'm not sure I really like the new me. I don't feel very stable. My mind is all over the place. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm rational, yet I'm crazy. I'm up, yet I'm down. I know, yet I have no clue. I can't think clearly. I can't find my words. I have no idea what I want to say. I feel stupid. I don't care about anything. I don't care about any consequences. I can't tell left from right, and I can't tell up from down. Really, it's hard to describe, but I just can't. I'm not stable, I can feel it. Well, sometimes I am, and when that person is here, it's all just too much. She asks 'what the hell did I do this for' and 'why the hell did I do that'. Sometimes, I'll realize that I have no idea what happened throughout the day. I'll be at work and not only can I not remember the drive to work, I can't remember getting ready for work, hell, I can't even remember getting up that morning. And I have no idea what part of my shift I'm on until I look at the clock. I'll do the same thing at home. I'll find myself sitting on the couch and I have no idea if it's morning, noon, or evening. I don't remember the day.

Not remembering is super scary for the rational side of me. If I can't remember the day, how can I be making rational decisions throughout it?

I'm not in a good place, and I know that. The "normal" part of me would never do anything stupid and would never even worry about it. The new me sees death in everything. I see a tree as something to wrap my vehicle around. I see a freeway ramp as something to drive off at high speed. I see medicine as something to swallow all at the same time. I see sharp objects as something to stab myself with. Now I know I would never do anything like that, but if I can't remember my day, how can I know?

I want to believe that there is a purpose for everything. I want to believe that I will have another baby. I want to believe that I will be happy again. I want to believe that I will be normal again. I want to, I really do, but how can I know?

I'd give anything.

I wish parents would take a step back and try for just one second to put themselves in my shoes, try for one second to imagine that your sweet precious children died the day they were born... they never cried, they never kicked, they never took one single breath... you never got to bring them home, you never got to see their first smile, you never got to see their first step, you never got to take a picture of their first day at school. For just one second, try to imagine the pain you'd be in, try to imagine the heartache, try to imagine having to force yourself to get out of bed every single day because you have nothing to get out of bed for.

I'm gonna try to say this quick and without trying to offend anyone, this is what's weighing on my mind...

Let me just say that I do not have a problem talking about kids. I like kids, I always have and I hope I always will. I don't have a problem with other people talking about their kids, I like talking about my baby - just, no one ever wants to hear about him...

Now, what I do have a problem with is being in a conversation with people where a parent is complaining about any common everyday occurrence of parenthood, such as...

...complaining about wiping noses

...complaining about stinky diapers

...complaining about buying anything (diapers, formula, toys, anything)

...complaining about a crying baby or a baby who cries too much

I just want to go on record saying that I'd give anything to be wiping my baby's nose for the next 18 years...

I'd give anything to be changing my baby's stinky diapers...

I'd give anything to have a reason to buy diapers and formula...

and I'd give anything to have a baby who cries too much...

I'd give anything...

my little tiger...

a full stocking...

And he will never get to experience the joy at waking up on Christmas Morning, and seeing a full stocking...

:(

I just realized that my son will never have his first picture with Santa... :(

I hate holidays...

I used to be the one who went all out - tree and lights, decorated walls, a winter village under the tree complete with the working train around the village. I even have two entire sets of Christmas decorations - one in blue and white complete with a white tree and blue and white lights and all blue and white decorations, blue and white bulbs, blue and white tinsel, blue and white bells, blue and white everything. The other with a green tree and all red and gold decorations, red and gold bulbs, red and white lights, red and gold tinsel, red and gold everything. Two whole sets for whatever my mood.

Too bad I don't have a black set...

I'm so tired of Christmas crap already. I'm tired of seeing Christmas decorations in people's houses, I'm tired of Christmas lights, I'm tired of it all.

Christmas tree + Christmas decorations + Christmas lights = waste of time, waste of money, waste of electricity.

I don't feel like celebrating anything. I really just feel like crawling in a hole and staying there forever.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anything. I wish I could go to sleep forever, I hate holidays...

Angel's Memories...

When someone does something for you, something that they didn't have to do, it's so much sweeter... but sometimes, it's nice to do it for yourself as well.

There are so many angel mommies, way too many. When another angel mommy makes a picture of Landon's name... it warms my heart in a way I just can't explain. I can do a thousand different pictures of Landon's name, but it's nice to have them from other mom's with other ideas as well. Thank you Tamberly for the pic above.

I remember the first time I saw Landon's name written in the sand... Another angel mom was tagged in a pic of their baby's name in the sand and I commented and asked if someone would be willing to do Landon's name in the sand for me. Within hours, Stacy tagged me in a pic - she wrote Landon's name in the sand in Guam... how special was that!! Stacy's picture is below...



Since that picture, I've had several other angel mom's write Landon's name in the sand on other beaches, and while you would think that one name in the sand would be the same as any other name in the sand - you'd be wrong - they're all a little different, all a little special, all in a different part of the world, all in different writing, all beautifully spectacular in their own way, and all for my baby.


Thank you Cherie for the pic above.


Thank you Tamberly for the pic above.

Today I saw the Pacific for the first time in my life, and the only thing I wanted to do there was write my baby's name in the sand for myself and have a beautiful picture... I wish I could have done every angel I know, but I didn't think about it before I left home, and I didn't have my angel list with me, so even if I tried, I'm sure I would have missed someone and then I would have felt horrible.



But, I got some beautiful pictures of my baby's name in the sand, my favorite is just above, and I am so happy. Today was a great day for me - not only did I get to write my own baby's name in the sand, I got to meet 3 other angel mom's... I can't even begin to describe how that made me feel. To meet other women who have been through the same devestating experience as you... women who look at you for you rather than looking at you for what you've gone through... women who don't have "that look" when they talk to you... women just like you... it's unbelievable.

Last night I saw a very tiny rainbow... (it's in the center of the picture and believe me, it's small)


there was no rain, in fact, I'm visiting my brother, in the desert, and in that evening sky, I saw that rainbow and I knew it was just for me. I know that was Landon telling me that everything is going to be ok. Today, I met other angel mommies. Today I wrote Landon's name in the sand. Today I feel good. It's strange, I feel... dare I say... peaceful? I don't know, I have a strange calm. I'm thankful for that. I know my Landon sent me that rainbow yesterday, and I'm thankful for that, and I know he was at the ocean with me today, I felt him there, my baby visited the ocean today and together, we made angel memories...

hope...

I miss my baby, I miss him every single day... but I'm ok because I am going to have a baby, I am hopeful... hope is something that I haven't had in quite some time and I'm a little surprised at how nice it feels.

Hope.

One little word that can make everything ok.

I finally have hope...

A video in memory of Landon

A dear angel mommy friend made this for me... I love it, thank you Meg.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=125563194156971&ref=mf

and other ramblings...

and here's a few mind-ramblings from sleepless nights past... feel free to repost anything I've written if you feel it relevant to your situation, just please include "by Torie Rodgers for sweet angel Landon Paul Rodgers 3.26.10"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You brought me such joy,
Followed by sorrow.
Little baby, I never imagined,
There would be no tomorrow...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When the day is done and darkness falls,
That's when I feel alone,
I close my eyes and I see your face,
And I wish I could bring you home.
If I could just see your smile,
If I could just give you a kiss,
To have you forever here with me,
That, my child, is my wish.
But I close my eyes to see your face,
And I close my eyes, it's true,
And a single tear falls down my cheek,
And another morn comes, as I miss you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When our children die before us
everything turns dark and grey
and all of those around us
have all the wrong things to say
when our world seems so empty
and we feel completely lost
we think of our sins and wonder
did we pay the ultimate cost
babies don't die before us
i must have done great wrong
somehow it must be my fault
because my sweet baby is gone

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

can't hold you
can't rock you
can't kiss your sweet cheeks
can't tickle you
can't giggle with you
can't play with your feet

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The greatest loss a mom can know,
Far worse than any before,
The death of her baby, her heart, her soul.
Holding his body while his warmth grows cold...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

night and why me...

Night-time ramblings from my mind... it just doesn't shut off at night, and night-time is always the worst...

rough
and tough
and hurts
like hell
screaming
hollering
want to
yell
hit
punch
and throw
something
pain
sorrow
so much
hurting
thinking
spinning
it hurts
my head
dark
alone
my baby
is dead
it's not real
but it is
i swear
i can't see
it makes
no sense
don't understand
why me...