Monday, November 29, 2010

I hate holidays...

I used to be the one who went all out - tree and lights, decorated walls, a winter village under the tree complete with the working train around the village. I even have two entire sets of Christmas decorations - one in blue and white complete with a white tree and blue and white lights and all blue and white decorations, blue and white bulbs, blue and white tinsel, blue and white bells, blue and white everything. The other with a green tree and all red and gold decorations, red and gold bulbs, red and white lights, red and gold tinsel, red and gold everything. Two whole sets for whatever my mood.

Too bad I don't have a black set...

I'm so tired of Christmas crap already. I'm tired of seeing Christmas decorations in people's houses, I'm tired of Christmas lights, I'm tired of it all.

Christmas tree + Christmas decorations + Christmas lights = waste of time, waste of money, waste of electricity.

I don't feel like celebrating anything. I really just feel like crawling in a hole and staying there forever.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anything. I wish I could go to sleep forever, I hate holidays...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Angel's Memories...



When someone does something for you, something that they didn't have to do, it's so much sweeter... but sometimes, it's nice to do it for yourself as well.

There are so many angel mommies, way too many. When another angel mommy makes a picture of Landon's name... it warms my heart in a way I just can't explain. I can do a thousand different pictures of Landon's name, but it's nice to have them from other mom's with other ideas as well. Thank you Tamberly for the pic above.

I remember the first time I saw Landon's name written in the sand... Another angel mom was tagged in a pic of their baby's name in the sand and I commented and asked if someone would be willing to do Landon's name in the sand for me. Within hours, Stacy tagged me in a pic - she wrote Landon's name in the sand in Guam... how special was that!! Stacy's picture is below...



Since that picture, I've had several other angel mom's write Landon's name in the sand on other beaches, and while you would think that one name in the sand would be the same as any other name in the sand - you'd be wrong - they're all a little different, all a little special, all in a different part of the world, all in different writing, all beautifully spectacular in their own way, and all for my baby.


Thank you Cherie for the pic above.


Thank you Tamberly for the pic above.

Today I saw the Pacific for the first time in my life, and the only thing I wanted to do there was write my baby's name in the sand for myself and have a beautiful picture... I wish I could have done every angel I know, but I didn't think about it before I left home, and I didn't have my angel list with me, so even if I tried, I'm sure I would have missed someone and then I would have felt horrible.



But, I got some beautiful pictures of my baby's name in the sand, my favorite is just above, and I am so happy. Today was a great day for me - not only did I get to write my own baby's name in the sand, I got to meet 3 other angel mom's... I can't even begin to describe how that made me feel. To meet other women who have been through the same devestating experience as you... women who look at you for you rather than looking at you for what you've gone through... women who don't have "that look" when they talk to you... women just like you... it's unbelievable.

Last night I saw a very tiny rainbow... (it's in the center of the picture and believe me, it's small)


there was no rain, in fact, I'm visiting my brother, in the desert, and in that evening sky, I saw that rainbow and I knew it was just for me. I know that was Landon telling me that everything is going to be ok. Today, I met other angel mommies. Today I wrote Landon's name in the sand. Today I feel good. It's strange, I feel... dare I say... peaceful? I don't know, I have a strange calm. I'm thankful for that. I know my Landon sent me that rainbow yesterday, and I'm thankful for that, and I know he was at the ocean with me today, I felt him there, my baby visited the ocean today and together, we made angel memories...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

hope...

I miss my baby, I miss him every single day... but I'm ok because I am going to have a baby, I am hopeful... hope is something that I haven't had in quite some time and I'm a little surprised at how nice it feels.

Hope.

One little word that can make everything ok.

I finally have hope...