Thursday, July 15, 2010

and now, it's by choice...

I have recently realized that I've been walking around in a daze, like there was a fog all around - I knew where to go and what to do, so I was going and I was doing, but I couldn't see past anything.

The death of my baby. That's what put me in the haze. I continued to function, but I wasn't there... I wasn't anywhere. How can I be somewhere when I'm not me anymore.

I used to love people - I loved working with the public - I loved being around people, watching them, interacting with them, not standing out, but fitting in the flow... I loved it.

Now... I can't stand people. I hate being around people. I only seek the company of my husband - anyone else, honestly, I could take em or leave em - it wouldn't matter. I hate going out. I hate seeing people, I don't watch them, I don't interact with them, and I stand out. The fog I was in has lifted and I can see that I stand out - I can't fit in the flow - I don't know how anymore. I really don't want to do anything. I just want to be. I don't want to answer my phone because I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere because I don't want to see anyone - I would be happy if I could just sit in my house forever and never leave again.

I dyed my light brown hair black and my blonde bangs blue in an effort to make people avoid me. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to smile or nod in passing. I look at the floor so I don't have to see anyone.

The past couple weeks have opened my eyes. The fog lifted and I realized that I was not doing ok - I realized that I was simply functioning.

I wish I could have the fog back. I wish I could still feel like I was doing ok. I wish the fog hadn't lifted. I wish I didn't know that I don't fit in.

For now, I must choose to remain in the fog. I am choosing not to cope. I am choosing not to deal. Because dealing and coping means I will hurt, and I don't want to hurt. It's not fair and I don't want it, so I am choosing not to have it. In the past few days, I have found that if I choose to simply function, that's what happens - I don't think about things, I just do things. This works for me, for now.

I'm just not ready for anything else - I just want my baby back. I just want to be a mommy. I just want my baby.

I asked for a baby, I didn't ask for him to die. I thought I was ok I didn't ask for the fog, but I'm in it again, and now, it's by choice...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


So, 3 months hit me like a brick wall. It was tough. I had a really hard time.

The last couple of days, everything is different. It's like the fog is finally lifting - thing is - I didn't realize I was in the fog. I thought I was doing ok. I though I was handling Landon's death ok. But the past few days have made me realize that I wasn't. I wasn't doing ok. I wasn't handling things. I was simply functioning, going through the motions.

Strange thing is, I went to the doc today for a blood pressure check. My blood pressure did not regulate itself after giving birth - NORMALLY when you get preeclampsia, the symptoms dissolve within 24-48 hours after giving birth... I, however, am not normal - IMAGINE THAT!

So, after 3 months (and 4 different prescriptions), we have found a pill combo and dosage that works for me - I am on propanolol 40mg twice a day along with a water pill once a day - it is finally working! She'll keep me on this combo/dosage for the next 3 months.

I asked her about something OTC that I could take for just a little bit to help me sleep, cuz I go for weeks with very little sleep. We talked for a little bit and she told me she would rather put me on a mild antidepressant and that it would also help me sleep. SO, I officially have my first-ever happy pills... lol... that by itself makes me kinda smile - oh well! She gave me two months worth and then wants me to come back. Hopefully they'll help.

Funny thing is, I already felt like I was starting to come out of the "funk" it's like I can see now, it's different - the fog is starting to lift and I have some visibility...

I feel like I can move forward. I feel like I am ready to move forward. And that makes me happy...

Friday, July 2, 2010

so tired of waiting...

I am so tired of waiting. Like the commercial... "it's my money and I want it now" IT'S MY DREAM AND I WANT A BABY NOW!!!

Really, I am so tired of waiting - it seems like I'm always waiting... waiting for af (who barely ever shows on her own) waiting to O (which hardly happens on it's own) AND (neither of which, by the way, has happened on its own since Landon was born) And I'm stuck again, waiting.

So my doc let me start clomid this cycle, currently cd27 and counting, anyway, he let me start clomid this cycle - we do cd5-9, which I did, and the ultrasound to check follicles showed "several follicles that are too small". Great. Doc says we'll up the dosage of clomid for next cycle and if no period by cd35 (this cycle) to call him so he can get a pg test (which of course will be negative, especially if I had no mature follicles) and give me provera to get things going again. Where does that leave me... waiting. Again.

I have been waiting forever! I've been waiting for ELEVEN YEARS for my baby - it's so not fair that I want a baby so badly, and I don't have one. We came so close with Landon, so close, why did he have to die... it's so not fair. I wanted my baby, and I was finally getting one, then he died. There is nothing right about that.

I just want a baby - is that really to much to ask for. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of never winning.

I'm so tired of waiting.