I even got Santa on my side...

So I took my Landon Bear along with a photo of Landon to the mall, and I got a pic with Santa...



Santa was saddened by Landon's story. He asked my first and last name and he said he'll be praying for us. I was touched.

Then I started thinking, I have a lot of random people praying for us, and God keeps on saying no... well, how can God say no now, I even got Santa on my side...

How can I know?

Ever come to a realization that you are probably not doing as well as you think you are? I think I have.

I used to be a very stable person. I used to be a very smart and rational person. I feel guilty when I do things even a little wrong, so I try hard to always do the right thing. I used to be a very logical person.

Is that the person who died? Part of me is gone forever, I know that. I can never be the same person I was before Landon died, it's just not possible.

I'm not sure I really like the new me. I don't feel very stable. My mind is all over the place. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm rational, yet I'm crazy. I'm up, yet I'm down. I know, yet I have no clue. I can't think clearly. I can't find my words. I have no idea what I want to say. I feel stupid. I don't care about anything. I don't care about any consequences. I can't tell left from right, and I can't tell up from down. Really, it's hard to describe, but I just can't. I'm not stable, I can feel it. Well, sometimes I am, and when that person is here, it's all just too much. She asks 'what the hell did I do this for' and 'why the hell did I do that'. Sometimes, I'll realize that I have no idea what happened throughout the day. I'll be at work and not only can I not remember the drive to work, I can't remember getting ready for work, hell, I can't even remember getting up that morning. And I have no idea what part of my shift I'm on until I look at the clock. I'll do the same thing at home. I'll find myself sitting on the couch and I have no idea if it's morning, noon, or evening. I don't remember the day.

Not remembering is super scary for the rational side of me. If I can't remember the day, how can I be making rational decisions throughout it?

I'm not in a good place, and I know that. The "normal" part of me would never do anything stupid and would never even worry about it. The new me sees death in everything. I see a tree as something to wrap my vehicle around. I see a freeway ramp as something to drive off at high speed. I see medicine as something to swallow all at the same time. I see sharp objects as something to stab myself with. Now I know I would never do anything like that, but if I can't remember my day, how can I know?

I want to believe that there is a purpose for everything. I want to believe that I will have another baby. I want to believe that I will be happy again. I want to believe that I will be normal again. I want to, I really do, but how can I know?

I'd give anything.

I wish parents would take a step back and try for just one second to put themselves in my shoes, try for one second to imagine that your sweet precious children died the day they were born... they never cried, they never kicked, they never took one single breath... you never got to bring them home, you never got to see their first smile, you never got to see their first step, you never got to take a picture of their first day at school. For just one second, try to imagine the pain you'd be in, try to imagine the heartache, try to imagine having to force yourself to get out of bed every single day because you have nothing to get out of bed for.

I'm gonna try to say this quick and without trying to offend anyone, this is what's weighing on my mind...

Let me just say that I do not have a problem talking about kids. I like kids, I always have and I hope I always will. I don't have a problem with other people talking about their kids, I like talking about my baby - just, no one ever wants to hear about him...

Now, what I do have a problem with is being in a conversation with people where a parent is complaining about any common everyday occurrence of parenthood, such as...

...complaining about wiping noses

...complaining about stinky diapers

...complaining about buying anything (diapers, formula, toys, anything)

...complaining about a crying baby or a baby who cries too much

I just want to go on record saying that I'd give anything to be wiping my baby's nose for the next 18 years...

I'd give anything to be changing my baby's stinky diapers...

I'd give anything to have a reason to buy diapers and formula...

and I'd give anything to have a baby who cries too much...

I'd give anything...

my little tiger...

a full stocking...

And he will never get to experience the joy at waking up on Christmas Morning, and seeing a full stocking...

:(

I just realized that my son will never have his first picture with Santa... :(