Thursday, December 16, 2010

How can I know?

Ever come to a realization that you are probably not doing as well as you think you are? I think I have.

I used to be a very stable person. I used to be a very smart and rational person. I feel guilty when I do things even a little wrong, so I try hard to always do the right thing. I used to be a very logical person.

Is that the person who died? Part of me is gone forever, I know that. I can never be the same person I was before Landon died, it's just not possible.

I'm not sure I really like the new me. I don't feel very stable. My mind is all over the place. I'm happy, yet I'm sad. I'm rational, yet I'm crazy. I'm up, yet I'm down. I know, yet I have no clue. I can't think clearly. I can't find my words. I have no idea what I want to say. I feel stupid. I don't care about anything. I don't care about any consequences. I can't tell left from right, and I can't tell up from down. Really, it's hard to describe, but I just can't. I'm not stable, I can feel it. Well, sometimes I am, and when that person is here, it's all just too much. She asks 'what the hell did I do this for' and 'why the hell did I do that'. Sometimes, I'll realize that I have no idea what happened throughout the day. I'll be at work and not only can I not remember the drive to work, I can't remember getting ready for work, hell, I can't even remember getting up that morning. And I have no idea what part of my shift I'm on until I look at the clock. I'll do the same thing at home. I'll find myself sitting on the couch and I have no idea if it's morning, noon, or evening. I don't remember the day.

Not remembering is super scary for the rational side of me. If I can't remember the day, how can I be making rational decisions throughout it?

I'm not in a good place, and I know that. The "normal" part of me would never do anything stupid and would never even worry about it. The new me sees death in everything. I see a tree as something to wrap my vehicle around. I see a freeway ramp as something to drive off at high speed. I see medicine as something to swallow all at the same time. I see sharp objects as something to stab myself with. Now I know I would never do anything like that, but if I can't remember my day, how can I know?

I want to believe that there is a purpose for everything. I want to believe that I will have another baby. I want to believe that I will be happy again. I want to believe that I will be normal again. I want to, I really do, but how can I know?

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