Thursday, July 15, 2010

and now, it's by choice...

I have recently realized that I've been walking around in a daze, like there was a fog all around - I knew where to go and what to do, so I was going and I was doing, but I couldn't see past anything.

The death of my baby. That's what put me in the haze. I continued to function, but I wasn't there... I wasn't anywhere. How can I be somewhere when I'm not me anymore.

I used to love people - I loved working with the public - I loved being around people, watching them, interacting with them, not standing out, but fitting in the flow... I loved it.

Now... I can't stand people. I hate being around people. I only seek the company of my husband - anyone else, honestly, I could take em or leave em - it wouldn't matter. I hate going out. I hate seeing people, I don't watch them, I don't interact with them, and I stand out. The fog I was in has lifted and I can see that I stand out - I can't fit in the flow - I don't know how anymore. I really don't want to do anything. I just want to be. I don't want to answer my phone because I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere because I don't want to see anyone - I would be happy if I could just sit in my house forever and never leave again.

I dyed my light brown hair black and my blonde bangs blue in an effort to make people avoid me. I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to smile or nod in passing. I look at the floor so I don't have to see anyone.

The past couple weeks have opened my eyes. The fog lifted and I realized that I was not doing ok - I realized that I was simply functioning.

I wish I could have the fog back. I wish I could still feel like I was doing ok. I wish the fog hadn't lifted. I wish I didn't know that I don't fit in.

For now, I must choose to remain in the fog. I am choosing not to cope. I am choosing not to deal. Because dealing and coping means I will hurt, and I don't want to hurt. It's not fair and I don't want it, so I am choosing not to have it. In the past few days, I have found that if I choose to simply function, that's what happens - I don't think about things, I just do things. This works for me, for now.

I'm just not ready for anything else - I just want my baby back. I just want to be a mommy. I just want my baby.

I asked for a baby, I didn't ask for him to die. I thought I was ok I didn't ask for the fog, but I'm in it again, and now, it's by choice...

No comments:

Post a Comment