happy...

So, 3 months hit me like a brick wall. It was tough. I had a really hard time.

The last couple of days, everything is different. It's like the fog is finally lifting - thing is - I didn't realize I was in the fog. I thought I was doing ok. I though I was handling Landon's death ok. But the past few days have made me realize that I wasn't. I wasn't doing ok. I wasn't handling things. I was simply functioning, going through the motions.

Strange thing is, I went to the doc today for a blood pressure check. My blood pressure did not regulate itself after giving birth - NORMALLY when you get preeclampsia, the symptoms dissolve within 24-48 hours after giving birth... I, however, am not normal - IMAGINE THAT!

So, after 3 months (and 4 different prescriptions), we have found a pill combo and dosage that works for me - I am on propanolol 40mg twice a day along with a water pill once a day - it is finally working! She'll keep me on this combo/dosage for the next 3 months.

I asked her about something OTC that I could take for just a little bit to help me sleep, cuz I go for weeks with very little sleep. We talked for a little bit and she told me she would rather put me on a mild antidepressant and that it would also help me sleep. SO, I officially have my first-ever happy pills... lol... that by itself makes me kinda smile - oh well! She gave me two months worth and then wants me to come back. Hopefully they'll help.

Funny thing is, I already felt like I was starting to come out of the "funk" it's like I can see now, it's different - the fog is starting to lift and I have some visibility...

I feel like I can move forward. I feel like I am ready to move forward. And that makes me happy...