Friday, July 2, 2010

so tired of waiting...

I am so tired of waiting. Like the commercial... "it's my money and I want it now" IT'S MY DREAM AND I WANT A BABY NOW!!!

Really, I am so tired of waiting - it seems like I'm always waiting... waiting for af (who barely ever shows on her own) waiting to O (which hardly happens on it's own) AND (neither of which, by the way, has happened on its own since Landon was born) And I'm stuck again, waiting.

So my doc let me start clomid this cycle, currently cd27 and counting, anyway, he let me start clomid this cycle - we do cd5-9, which I did, and the ultrasound to check follicles showed "several follicles that are too small". Great. Doc says we'll up the dosage of clomid for next cycle and if no period by cd35 (this cycle) to call him so he can get a pg test (which of course will be negative, especially if I had no mature follicles) and give me provera to get things going again. Where does that leave me... waiting. Again.

I have been waiting forever! I've been waiting for ELEVEN YEARS for my baby - it's so not fair that I want a baby so badly, and I don't have one. We came so close with Landon, so close, why did he have to die... it's so not fair. I wanted my baby, and I was finally getting one, then he died. There is nothing right about that.

I just want a baby - is that really to much to ask for. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of never winning.

I'm so tired of waiting.

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