Sunday, June 13, 2010

All the right things...

Well, this is one of those "I need to work it out" posts. And without being specific because my blog site is in my profiles so others can read if they please, I'll attempt to "work it out".

I lost my baby. That's the plan truth of it. My baby is dead and nothing I do will bring him back to me. I am left with grief. I don't know how to deal with grief - I've never had to before. I'm not one who is good at asking for help, so counseling is pretty much out. What I'm left with is the couple of online support groups I've found. I have visited several and I have two that I have chosen to frequent.

The online support groups are full of women just like me, women who have lost a baby through stillbirth. We are women from all over the world, women from all walks of life, twenty-somethings, forty-somethings, mommies who lost their babies days ago, and mommies who lost them years ago, first time mammas, and mammas with many other children, but we all stand united, we are all mommies to angels, we are there for each other. These online communities are safe-havens, we go there happy, we go there sad, we go there angry, and we go there jealous, no matter our feelings when we get there, we can be honest... the others always, and I mean always offer support. They offer a support that many of us cannot get with our "real life" friends, they send us virtual hugs, they offer guidance, they offer support, and they genuinely cry with us, we can say anything to them, they are us.

~When one of our "real life" friends announces her pregnancy, our online support network cries with us - they know we are happy for her, but they understand that this type of announcement can cut deep into our souls, it may make us feel like a failure - we are happy, sad, jealous and mad all at the same time, and they are the only ones who understand... and they say all the right things...

~When we are hurt that our husbands are acting different than we expect them to, our online network hurts with us - they know EXACTLY how we feel, they know that we love our spouses, they know that we hurt so badly for our missing babies, they know that we want our husbands to share that hurt... and when our husbands seem to heal before us, they know how we feel. They "hug" us and hurt with us... they tell us how their husband did the same thing... they tell us our husbands just didn't have the same emotional bond that we did... and they say all the right things.

~When we are having a hard time conceiving our next child, our online network cries with us and cheers us on - they know how badly we desire another child - they know our babies can never be replaced, yet they know the deep need for a child, they know we need to feel baby kicks again, they know the feeling of empty arms... and they cry with us when our period comes... and they cheer with joy when we "hit it" on all the right days... and they distract us through the long days waiting to test... they encourage us when we get a negative test... they tell us it was too early... they tell us they didn't get their positive until much later... they tell us we're not out yet... and they cry with us when our period comes again... they understand, they've been there... and they say all the right things.

The point of this blog is to help me heal. I keep things bottled up, I don't always say what's on my mind, I promised myself I would use this place to say what's on my mind...

What's on my mind today is a possible fake. I would have never imagined such a thing could exist, but they do. My eyes were opened by facebook, my eyes were opened by the fake people on facebook who join groups designed mainly for bereaved parents and did horrible things involving precious angels pictures, and they say horrible things... they say things a bereaved parent would never say.

In our online support groups, we sometimes find ourselves in common threads about "what not to say to bereaved parents" or "what not to say to someone ttc" and others like this... we laugh with each other as we read through these lists and nod... we laugh as we share stories of what people have said to us... but share the common bond, we share "secret" decency to never say the wrong thing, we never use these common phrases, especially to each other.

A possible fake. Horrifying.

There are new mommies who join our networks almost daily. We cry reading their stories as they are so dear to our own hearts, and we can literally feel the pain in their words.
I am horrified by a possible fake... and I wonder,
what could her intentions be... (why would some fake this)
why would she be here... (learning, stealing, why)
is she here to learn about us... (college student writing a paper, someone who knows someone who has been here)
is it for pity... (we hate the "pity stares" - is she just an attention getter)
is it for personal gain... (does she think people will like her more if she has lost a child, again, is she an attention getter)
I don't know... but it troubles me.

I first thought twice about her because she said the wrong thing... not to me, but to another mommy... she tried to offer advice, but she said something on the list, something we never say to each other, something we cringe hearing from "real life" friends.
Then she said the wrong thing again not in offering support, but in seeking support, she described something she had done (in an effort to heal, sort of) but it is not something we would do to heal... it is actually something we put off doing (weeks or even months go by and we still have not done this thing), or we have others do for us because we just can't (I can't do specifics, sorry), but not only was she was able to do this "thing" that most of us can't do, she did it literally within days of losing her baby, and she did it herself...
She doesn't talk about her baby like we do... her words are just words... there is no love in her words... it just feels wrong...

Maybe I'm just imagining it... maybe she's not a fake... maybe facebook has just made me paranoid... maybe she's just very strong... maybe she's superwoman...

I might me wrong about her so I feel bad for saying this, I feel bad for thinking this, but I had to get it out. This is something I would normally say to the ladies at the groups for support, but I can't because I don't want to cause chaos... so I have to think it out here... I have to say it to myself because I can't reach out to my support about this, and as much as I need them, and want to tell them, this time... they can't say all the right things.

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