Why the blog...

When you go through an experience that others have not, they become uncomfortable. They don't now what to say. They don't know how to react. They avoid you.

As horrible as it sounds, tragedy isolates you. Not all tragedy, but mine does. I am the mother of a child that no one knows. I am a mother of a child that no one can see. I am the mother of a child that I can no longer hold. I am the mother of an angel. A special angel who was called home just before he was born.

My baby died in utero, 'fetal demise third trimester' that's what my doctor said at my appointment just days after burying my child. He said "we don't know why this can happen in a perfectly healthy pregnancy... these things just happen, I had another lady who this happened to just last week..." Were those words supposed to comfort me? Was I supposed to feel better knowing that 'I'm not the only one'? Was I supposed to be thankful that I had an "otherwise" healthy pregnancy? Really?

I left that appointment dumbfounded. My baby had died. I had just buried my only child and all I could remember him saying was "blah blah blah fetal demise". Words. That's what they are. That's all they are. Now. BUT then, it made me feel like I did something wrong, like I had in some way caused my baby's death, like it was my fault. I know that's not the case, and I know that was not my doctor's intentions, but feelings cannot always be controlled. Your initial reaction to something, the true initial reaction - your immediate thought/feeling/reaction, is not something you can control... it just happens. I control my secondary thoughts, I am responsible for what I do and what I say, as well as what I do not do and what I do not say.

I am a natural nurturer. My thoughts/feelings/actions are generally geared towards making others comfortable, and towards myself second. I have learned to keep most of my feelings to myself. I don't speak my mind. I don't cause conflict. I don't disrupt. It's just easier that way - I don't have to worry about making others uncomfortable... that's the natural nurturer in me. And unfortunately, it can cause me undue grief. The problem now is, I have true grief to deal with. I have been through a tragedy. I have lost a child. And I need to deal with it. I need to heal. But I have spent my whole life helping others... I have never learned to help myself.

This is my attempt. I have created this blog to help me heal. This is my place. Here I can 'think' things out, and work through things. I can say what I want and not have to worry about who may be offended. And I will. I promise myself that. I will use this place for me.

I really wish I had my baby...
I wish my baby hadn't died eleven weeks ago...
I wish that I didn't have to make a blog called 'Losing Landon'...
I wish it could be called 'Watch Landon Grow'...
I wish I had my baby... now more than ever.