I am a different person than I was before Landon died. I look different. I feel different. I am different. I can never go back to the person I was then, she died the day Landon died, and I am who is left.
I wonder if I will ever get used to people treating me differently.
I hate "those looks". I get them all the time, people look at me with pity - I can recognize the look from across a room... the "I pity her" look... the "I'm glad it wasn't me" look... the "that poor lady" look. And when they are up close, they look at me with their bottom lip pressed up into a pursed upper lip, corners pointed half down, head tilted down and to the right, and eyes avoiding direct contact.
I avoid the direct eye contact too - because I know that if I look into your eyes, I'll cry... I'll cry because I miss my baby. But what you don't understand, is that I miss him everyday, whether you look at me or not, I still miss him, and I always will.
I hate being "that lady". Wherever I go, I'm "that lady... the one whose baby died". I hate being her. What I wouldn't give to be "that lady... the one with the annoying kid" or "that lady... the one who is way overprotective" or "that lady... the one who is always at the park with her baby"... what I wouldn't give to be any of "those ladies".
Unfortunately, I will forever be "that lady, you know, the one whose baby died".
I hate that lady.