All things are possible...

"All things are possible..." Really? Are they? I've had faith. I've prayed for strength. And now, I'm lost. I don't know whether to pray, scream, have faith, throw a tantrum, or do nothing at all. I feel like I should do something, but what? What can you do when you feel like there's nothing you can do at all.

I'm hurting. And really, I don't know what to do. I feel numb, yet desperate. To put it bluntly, more than anything, I want a baby. I have been pregnant 3 times. I had two miscarriages just shy of 10 weeks, one in 1999 and one in 2006. And, my son was stillborn at 35 weeks in 2010. I want a baby. Plain and simple, no sugar coating, no beating around the bush... I just want a baby.

Unfortunately, it's not easy for me to get pregnant. The first time was a surprise, then we tried and it took 7 years, then 3 years, I still don't have a baby, and I am not getting any younger.

I just received some news that makes me want to cry, yet I'm too numb to cry. Today, I had an ultrasound to check my follies (I have recently started clomid, again) so, today was my ultrasound to check my follies. As I thought, 50mg didn't do it. It never did it before, why would it work now, well, it didn't. Doc said "there are several follies, but they're too small" I'm generally a pretty obsessive person, but not wanting to stress myself out more than necessary, I didn't ask for specifics so I don't know how many or how small. I don't want to know. The plan is 15 days, if my period doesn't come in 15 days, I'll start provera (again) and I'll do 100mg of clomid on cd5-9, with an ultrasound around day 16.

I didn't expect it to work, so why do I feel desperate, why do I feel numb? It's what my doc found during the ultrasound. I can't remember the name... it's one of those "too long for the common brain to comprehend" medical names... but here are the basics
- this "condition" will not make it harder to get pregnant.
- I do have an increased risk of miscarriage, I have about a 50% chance of miscarriage.
- I have a huge risk for complications during pregnancy or birth.
- There is an 83% chance that my baby will not settle into the usual head down position, my baby will most likely be bottom down or feet down, small chance he/she will be transverse, but 83% chance that I'll have to have a c-section.
- There is a high risk of my waters breaking early.
- I have a 63% chance of preterm labor as early as the 25th week.
- I have a higher risk of incompetent cervix
- my baby has a huge risk of low birth weight.
- there is a high risk of my uterus rupturing if I go past 35 weeks in any pregnancy.
And I'm sure he said more, but of course, I can't remember everything.

So, in my language... I'm a person who has a hard time getting pregnant, and now, I've found out, that IF I do manage to get pregnant, I have a 50% chance of micarrying, and IF I manage to not miscarry, I'm at a very high risk of other complications. Nice. That's just what someone who wants a baby as badly as I do needs to hear.

My OB doesn't seem as concerned. He said this "condition" automatically classifies me as "high-risk", I'm thinking 'but you've already classified me as high-risk, I've had 3 losses which makes me high risk, I've had a 35 week stillbirth which makes me high-risk, and now I have this "condition" which also makes me high risk, really, how much more high risk can you get... I have 3 separate instances which in and of themselves classifies me as high-risk' so will I ever have a baby?
Instance #1 allows me early ultrasounds. I get my first ultrasound really early, just to see if there is a heartbeat, to see if the pregnancy is viable.
Instance #2 gets me visits with the perinatologist, it gets me high level ultrasounds around 20 weeks, it gets me monthly ultrasounds from 20 weeks on, it gets me biweekly visits rather than monthly as well as biweekly activity scans, it gets me an amnio at 32 weeks to check my baby's lungs, it gets me induced by 34 weeks.
Instance #3 this one gets me weekly monitoring from the beginning of the second trimester, it gets me biweekly ultrsounds until week 24, then weekly ultrasounds are likely, it gets me weekly activity scans from 20 weeks, then at least twice a week.

1 + 2 + 3 = crazy lady trying desperately to become a crazy paranoid pregnant lady. How stupid is that???

I'm terrified, really, I want nothing more than to be pregnant, I want nothing more than to have a baby, but I'm so terrified that once I finally become pregnant, that I'll lose my baby, or something else horrible will happen.

According to my doc, there is another alternative, there is a small chance that I'll get pregnant and have an uneventful and normal pregnancy, since I have carried one baby 35 weeks and delivered him naturally, it is possible. Too bad preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome killed him.

Where does all that leave me... It leaves me numb, it leaves my heart hurting, it leaves me scared, it leaves me wondering and questioning things I haven't questioned before. I received a lot of information today that I wasn't expecting. And still, I want a baby. I heard one time that when the hope for a baby outweighs the fear of losing another one, then, you know you're really ready. As much as I don't want to lose another baby, I want a baby more. I'm ready.

And so, I go forward, and I just have to believe, and hope, and pray, with all my heart, that "with Him, all things are possible..."