Wednesday, June 23, 2010

So tired of it...

I changed my hair... again. This makes 4 times in the past 3 months. I get tired of it quickly, and it's something I actually have control over - if I get tired of it... I can change it.

I'm tired of the "common phrases" people say to make me feel better. They don't make me feel better, really, they make me feel worse. How do they make me feel worse... let me tell you.

I'm tired of people saying...

..."everything happens for a reason" - really, did you really just say that to me? are you saying there is a good reason that my baby died? well, would someone please like to fill me in, cuz I'm dying to know. 'everything happens for a reason' and when I punch you in the nose, I'm sure you'll know the reason...

..."God must have needed another angel" - well, He didn't have to take my baby, there are plenty of babies out there who needed Him to save them, how about one of the babies born to a crack addict, how about one of the babies thrown in the dumpster, how about one of the babies who will endure years of child abuse, why not take one of those angels, I WANTED my baby, why my baby.

..."there must have been something wrong with the baby" - OH NO YOU DIDN'T, I KNOW you did NOT just say there must have been something wrong with my PERFECT baby... NEWSFLASH, my baby was perfectly healthy, preeclampsia killed my baby - I developed preeclampsia, I got "sick" and that's why my baby died - there was nothing wrong with him, he was perfect.

..."you're still young" - well, I'm not getting any younger, I would like to have babies who can one day give me grandchildren that I can enjoy.

..."you can always have more kids" - OH and exactly which crystal ball are you looking into? Cuz it's not like we haven't been trying - get a frickin clue!

..."when you stop trying, that's when it will happen" - seriously, again, get a frickin clue, it doesn't "just happen" for everyone, SOME people have to try, and SOME people need help from the medical community, we're not all "fertile myrtle".

..."I have a friend who tried for 40 years, and as soon as they stopped trying, they got pregnant" - thanks, I'll let you know how that works for me in 30 years, when I'm SIXTY - idiots.

..."I'm praying for you" - who you gonna pray to, the same God who took my baby from me, you gonna pray to Him, hello - what good will that do, you "prayed" for me while I was pregnant, and look how that worked out for me.

I'm just so tired of it all, I'm tired of people trying to help - just leave me alone, you trying to help just makes me have to pretend even more that I'm fine. I'm so tired of people asking me how I'm doing - HELLO, MY BABY IS DEAD how the F*CK do you think I'm doing - I'm doing horrible, and I'm tired of HAVING to say "I'm fine" so you are comfortable talking to me, and so you feel better. I'm tired of it. All of it, I'm just so tired of it.

1 comment:

  1. oh sweetie! i agree with everything you have to say here....but the problem is, that stillbirth is such a taboo subject, and unless someone has personally gone through the same experience, they DON"T know what to say. I actually feel comfort when someone just says "I have no words, other than I am sorry". Because that truly shows that they don't know what you are going through and can't even begin to imagine. also, I have changed my hair twice in 2